Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
