i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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