I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
