I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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