Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
