we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
