No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
