wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
