Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
