Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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