Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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