My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
