just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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