So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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