a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
