wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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