The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
