Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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