Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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