I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
