you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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