Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
