Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
