it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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