Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Randomize
