hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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