Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
