My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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