He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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