Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
