I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
