I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
