apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize