jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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