I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
