Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
