She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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