My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
