Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
