Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize