I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
