i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
