i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
