doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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