Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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