You made me cry and you don't even care
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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