Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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