Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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