even my farts smell like vagina
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
