6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
