A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
