I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize