you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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