There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
