I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
time to smoke my breakfast
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
