It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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