a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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