I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i believe in u and ur pee
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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