i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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