If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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