I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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