Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
