Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
me + whiskey = a bad person
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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