watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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