She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
