DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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