Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
