Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My bed smells like the plague
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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