my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
