I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
